AKU MAU KEMBALI PADAMU SAJA TUHAN

Dear Life

I lost my thumbdrive @ gym yesterday. you know how very important n significant that thumbdrive is kan?dah takde lagi gambar kami berdua. i memang banyak kali nak print out again gambar kita after i koyakkan bila kita gaduh besar

sayangg?im sorry i careless dan hilangkan kenangan kita. yang tinggal hanya kenangan saja. if i deleted my fb akaun or change my number. i wont see you again sampai mati..even though kita dah pisah dan takde ape2 tapi ..kenangan itu yang all i have of us..coz i dont hate you. i dont hate you at all..

sayang adakah suma ini sebenarnya alamat dari tuhan yang mengatakan hubungan kita dulu hanyalah bayang2 dalam diri kita?adakah this means kita betul2 mati takde sejarah nor any trace of existance

adakah you di sana menyumpah kita begitu teruk?i wish someday you will come across, sumhow of this blog coz i just wana u know how much pain you caused me..its really sakit yang..i hope u puas hati dengan sumpahan you suma. berkali2 di sms saya tanya you dulu apakah hazab yang MAHA besar i buat kat you sampai you treat me cam sampah ..sehina2 manusia
di mana2 ceruk i pegi, all men yang i nampak hehari or communicate dengan sumanya remind me of you in some weird way

i just wana go home now n cried myself sampai besok..that is the only thing i know and makes me feel skit better..

i hate you kerana buatkan hati merindu..you lutut truk mana pun kat i , i wont have you in my life AT ALL ..NOT ANYMORE

biarlah bayang2 you bermain2 dalam fikiran i ..biarlah i have memory relapse teruk mana pun tentang you..i will tanggung masalah yang i cari sendiri

kalau tanggungan ini adalah perlu untuk i teruskan hidup ini..then tanggungan i will do
i want you so bad right now hany..but I SURE DUN NEED YOU. ade you hati i lagi sakit berpanjangan. bahagia cuma sekejap ja..walaupun drug cinta itu sangat2 addictive
harap tuhan bayar segala kesakitan ini two fold unto you. only then you would know betapa i kasih dan sayang kat you sepenuh hati ..perasaan yang you kejikan, kutuk-kan dan sumpahkan

AKU MAU KEMBALI PADAMU SAJA TUHAN..

kerana lakonan dunia ini sudah memualkan

lebih baik aku membayar segala hutang dosaku di rumah mu Tuhan

aku tidak mahu menambah dosa ku lagi kerna tanggungan hati ini MAHA berat bagi ku Tuhan

aku cinta padanya Tuhan, temukan aku dengan bidadari2 mu untuk aku melupakan kedukaan ini

AKU MAU KEMBALI PADAMU SAJA TUHAN ..

hari yang pedih pilu

dear life

yesterday memang bes kan spent time ngan lina and her bf yang berkemampuan dan sangat2 caring itu.tapi yelah dulu pun you memang caring sangat kat i kan ?

i miss you sangat rindu yang sangat2 J..i nangis kat depan PC ni tapi i lap je air mata i pelan2

kejamnya perasaan rindu ini pedih dan pilu juga

Kau katakan cinta gunakan akal
Bila aku gunakan, kau yang menyangkal
Bagaimana nak kekal
Kau katakan cinta gunakan minda
Bila aku gunakanKau yang tak percaya… bagaimana nak bahagia
Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Dan aku cuba sedaya upaya
Telah ku usaha dengan sepenuh jiwa
Bagaimana hendak ku lupabayangan wajahmu selalu di depan mataharum baumu masih dapat ku hidu
Bagaimana ingin aku membencimu
Jikalau setiap hari merindu
Sekiranya derita merinduimu itu sebenarnya bahagia..Aku pilih derita..
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Mungkinkah esok atau lusa walau biarpun lama
Akan ku biar tiada, ku tetap kan setiaEntah bila akan tiba sampai jua harimu yang sama
Esok seperti semalaman yang tak berubah
Kaulah tanda tanya… kau tiada titik noktah
Ku dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semulaKaulah tanda tanya… kau tiada titik noktahKu dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semula
LSeandainya kau berada di depan mata
Mudah untuk aku berkata-kata
Supaya dapatku melihat seraut wajahmu
Walaupun belum tentu kau mahu bertemu
Apalagi memandangku
Setelah ku turutkan segala kemahuan kau mainkan perasaan
Begitu mudah kau ucapkan terimalah saja kenyataan…Aku masih terkilan
Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiriManis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Jika kau dapat memahami hati seorang perindu
Baru kau tahu derita hatikuJika suatu hari nanti giliran kau merindu
Baru kau ingat derita diriku
Segala yang berlaku bukan kemahuanku
Apa gunanya bahgia
Jikalau bahagia bersamamu hanyalah untuk sementara waktu
Aku pilih derita merinduimu
PMaafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa


i benci you uat i camni..tinggalkan i sensorang kat sini..i taknak pun u bahgia kat sana dengan sapa pun

i masih sayang sangat kat you tapi you buangkan i macam sampah, takde maruah no nothing

i know someone, somebody , someday is out there for me. tah mana you lama sangat buatkan i menanti

the pain and burden yang i tanggung sekarang i hope i can share it with you..Mr sumbody, somewhere

i tau you sumpah i akan teringatkan you sampai mati dan seksa..ape yang u marah and sumpah i sangat??i nak ajak u kawin or kita tinggal sama semula but u taknak kan?adeke i duakan you?tak kan?jadi??????!!sumpah atas nama patti kan. i nak you termakan balik sumpah you sampai mati jugak

I HATE YOU J, I WISH YOU MATI DENGAN SANGAT TERUK!!

:-( i hate myself loving you still..NOT FAIR ..NOT FAIR NYE

Eve of Hari Raya Itu~

Dear Life,

Esok dah raya D. kan..tetibe terkenang raya tahun lepas yang agak bitter sweet n memorable coz my birthday falls on the same day of raya. i was in M. 1st time celebrating it with his fam. after 5yrs of being together.

kalaula kan aku dapat bertahan few months aje lagi..maybe aku still in M. maybe married to him. maybelah kalau tak pun live in je masih. Dengan itu, relationship dengan family non existant lahkan.adakah perlu membuat sacrifce MAHA hebat itu untuk bersama dengan dia kan..berbaloi ke?throwing my whole life diperhambakan untuk bersama dirinya.yea aku rasa cukup bahgia dengan sisa-sisa kasih sayang diberi.cukup bahgia.tapi it wasnt enough..sebab itulah jiwa memberontak

BUT

whatever it is pun HE WAS MY DRUG. I CANT GET ENOUGH OF HIM. I NEED MY FIX ..OR ELSE..or so i tought

true relationship is bout acceptance and compromise.tapi aku rasa on my part aku lebih berkompromasi la..

i love my family . even though kadang rasa they dont even care if im alive. but i think they do care and love me.
FAMILY ALWAYS COMES FIRST
if you dengan dia pun family "dia" pun kena datang first jugak. tapi the question is...Adakah kami dikira "Family" jika bersama? demented ah

Aku salah juga sebenarnya..tapi sedih sangat lah salahkan benda yang sudah tiada..outta my kontrol walaupun aku cuba gak nak kontrol sumanya for our relationship to be better

I called auntie tadi nak ucap selamat hari raya. tapi tak berangkat, i wonder why. dari hari tu lagi..sigh..i know she doesnt care bout our relationship. "tak masuk campur" she said

Deepavali=festival of lights

May this day brings light to your life J. I wont pikir pasal you /what you are doing right now/or who you are with...i dont want you to be happy gak..tapi i telan dalam2 perasaan ni..

penat fikir dah..penat menangis for you dah. i want you to sedar someday..tapi tah bila..yang it was a HUGE mistake leaving me. I want you to suffer how i suffer skarang..teruk betul perangai you..tak bagi i muka lansung

ive been used n dump like sampah..n my heart has been tored to pieces.. you left me alone picking up the pieces satu2 skit2 ..pelan i kutip..sepah2 cebisan hati i all over between M n KL

Ya Tuhan i know ade hikmah disebalik suma ini kan? there MUST be few..kuatkan hati ku untuk berhenti berharap dan MOVE ON

Might be you dah tak pikir pasal i pun dah. might be you dah happy sangat, lega dah u managed to get rid of me TOTALLY.

Life without you is...????entahlahhh..

Im destroying my life sedikit2 dengan sedar..by letting go of myself .the BEST REVENGE
is for me to LIVE MY LIFE HAPPILY okay

baikkkkkk, im taking it one day at a time..

TRAGEDI OKTOBER

9.10.09

Bukan kecewa dipinggirkan

Aku kecewa tiada kejujuran

Bukan bersedih disakiti

Teramat pedih diri dikhianati

Sebelum kasih menjadi benci

Aku memilih berpisah di sini

Bila tiada kesetiaan

Tak mungkin teguh pendirian

Biar menangis di ketika ini

Tidak rela menagis di kemudian hari

Hilang kekasih mungkin berganti

Yang kuharapkan teman sejati

Sebelum kasih menjadi benci

Aku memilih berpisah di sini

Oh teman sejati Oh teman sejati

Oh berpisah di sini

Sebelum kasihMenjadi benci

Aku memilih berpisah di sini

i balik frm M tadi.sorang.5.30am.ujan lebat.he dumped me like sampah via sms. i ponteng keje semalam waited for him to come home dekat 2 hari .dlm blik.tak makan.tak mandi.he refuse badly to see me at all.maki hamun teruk kat sms. he has new car.new confidence.he needs new gf.i can see it coming actually.he always lupakan i bila dia senang. dapat duit lebih.pi vacation.travel.typical kan?

yea aku masih dengan dia.baca balik posts lama.that long kan.tapi tak hepi.insecure.sedih sangat.

i thought after patti died we can get married and he cant live without me but i was wrong.he also didnt tell me when patti died.i knew after a week and half.but it it doesnt matter kan skarang

the "pain" doesnt settle in lagi but ive been through this many many times. takkan tak numb kan .takkan takleh handle? keep repeating in my head

"he s not fit to be a husband or a dad to my children. he should be my pillar of strenght .ketua keluarga.he s not my equal."

hey?just let go..seperti 3 bulan lepas ye?kita dah cuba sedaya upaya kan?ade je tak kena. ade org "menunggu" dia. and might be ade orang "menunggu" i kan ? u dah beg, u dah cried, u dah triak.uve done evrything tapi tak lekat gak. meaning ade lah something tu kay?

tapi ironic lah biasa dekat my birthday or raya mesti r.ship in the bridge of breaking up or tengah krisis or dah break up kan?macam sumpah ye

i simpan gambar2 (dia mana yang dapat) takat simpan je lah.maybe tatap after few years kan?skang tak boleh i memang tengah rindukan dia sangat thats why beria2 nak jumpa. i even dah packed raya goodies and cheese tart. tapi tak sempat nak beri. well, again it doesnt make any diff. pun.

rn kalau dia dah kuat letting you go senang macam tu coz of whatever reason pun .u mesti ber- ganda2 kuat ye.life s like that. in the end women jugak yang banyak rugi dalam relationship.

relationship sangat penting buat saya coz im afraid of being alone and miserable.i miss the intimacy most.hazabbb nyaaa..

kita pelan2 pi gym, buat lesen, amik MUET, buat degree, tukar keje or amik M lessons..sambil2 cari bf baru ye reene?i know banyak kali u cakap nak uat above things. tapi truthly kalau u tak clash tah sampai bila u nak bergerak kan??ull be too busy attending to his needs.tunggu dia balik keje. tu aja lah..i think. i pun dah rasa content dapat hambakan diri dengan dia. he s happy and feeling satiated with whatever .i pun puas. strange kenapa camtu kan? r.ship i ni like mother -child relationship. he left the nest i end up alone and nobody to serve to. bleyy tak..well his "gatal" nature pun tak help lansung.

yang pentingnya i think im in a phase wanting to get married.to have a teman sejati.permanent partner. i tau in my heart it wont work. i got all the signs tapi maybe low self esteem lah or the settled -for-less attitude buat i pining, hoping , berharap sangat kat dia. he kan my 1st ever

i hope as i go along in life. i can totally be at peace with myself. have the confidence to do anything i want .being happy alone.tak pikir pasal dia banyak sangat.cry je alot.biasa i kan lega after a good cry kan?anddd of course finding my true love..wherever he might be

jangan lama sangat depressed ye reene.blaja dari lina.tak payah pi jauh.okay?just keep on movin.pause kejap.then resume balik kay .keep the pace.

syukur kepada Allah whatever it is pun, i have felt how love can change a person. jadik better, good or bad tengok dynamic r.ship tu camne kan.in my case: all of the above. tapi rasa banyak bad kan?i also felt being crazily in love.obsessively. and bein hurt sooooo bad in the end. i know its better to feel love than never love at all.tapi i rather taknak go through r.ship yang BAD AGAIN. i nak being head over heels passionly in love again, i do..sighh

note to him: baby, hany, usuk ,bntt, sayang, uyang,ubi, yoyang, yg..ur everything takat ni.its the end of the road for you.IM TAKING BACK MY LOVE.the end

how r u tday yzzi??

dear life,

thx fer asking hehe..im aighttt..last nite b4 i sleep ive decided that he is not a keeper..in real life thrs a lotta "episodes"..ive got nothin to loose, well except da $ spent on him..but $ bleh cari, at that time $ adalah perlu to maintain my relationship..so oklahh.was thinking to juz forget bout da 1.12.06 affairs but we ll c how..

on a lighter note,im on a juice diet..well selagi daya la..fresh pegaga + green apple juice.i also take Estime capsule almost everyday. i heard its a miracle pill. yea we ll c how it turns out, i wanna make my skin sparkle!*twink *twink lil me..

anyway looking 4ward to get job confirmation this month..i wanna work for the gov. for reasons i dun really know except wanting the pension and oh yeah...balik TEPAT pada waktunya (walaupun mmg kaki masuk keje lambat, huuuu huuuuu)

till later...

ps/ congrats daria!! she scored pretty high in her undang2 driving test and congrats too to Linda she got engaged last saturday, semoga berbahagia di samping ur lover

tra lalala and the journeyy continuessss..

juz another day in ..erm?paradise???

dear life,

this song represent wut i xactly feel rite now..

If I Ain't Got You

by Alicia Keys

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them

Hand me a world on a silver platter
And what good would it be?
With no one to share, with no one who truely cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Im stil stuck in a moment..in a rut mungkin, been listening to NKOTB song back to back this past few days i had a good cry. a couple of episodes actually.i like it.i need it. sumtimes i feel im addicted to sadness, loneliness n drama.i think i like my days to b dark and gloomy.pelik gak.i chose to feel this way.happines is juz round da corner but cam boring bein happy. boley ke ape camtu?right this moment.i dun feel like goin out sein frens or in a crowd.. bein with ppl or go to places. i find solace in my room n juz bein with my family. im glad afta the "parang incident" i did not rebelled n walk out on my family.haha, wut a nite..a rush of adrenalin.ahhhhhh..wut a bliss sumtimes to b so reckless and young.it seems so ridiculous at that time. yes i do like drama but malas nak berdrama panjang2 ngn family.boring je nak risaukan mak bapak.

i tot i like living in a life yg hebat ..life yg elaborate, starry eyed..but as i grew older all i want is simplicity in life.with the occasional drama of course.more importantly to juz be with him..yesss nobody else..juz HIM anyway its been nearly few days I didnt hear his voice...miss skit lah but oklahh..

Tuhan masih sayang kat i....MAHA HEBATNYA tuhan..im goin with the flow skang..take it one day at a time.

"..the worst pain of all is the end of hope.." -movie Alexander the Great

yea i masih tak loose hope n still wants him ..but mayb i dun need him dat muc.lust-luv lah kut.tapi this time around with certain conditions lah sumhow wont giv up on him.a bad boy.hook on him.u r blinded.yea, i am blinded rite now tapi masih pikir praktikal.

anyway im not interested on da day to day happenings in my life. only interested bout my so called "luv life" career wise's good nvr been better , money wise..ok..health wise skit problem but i can handle it..spiritual wise...hmmm...boleh lagi dibaiki..family wise..ok je

move on, move on

shout out to grllll power!banyak my g.frens yg achieved banyak benda positif in their life ths past few weeks (kecuali getting married la)..they seem to b sgt happy..hidup ni bukan ke roda n they r on top skang..im so tumpang happy!so muc +ve energy around me..ive been so blessed..bukan ke?tolonglah sedar..x regrets yzziii..ingat tu

will be doin lot of travelling in 2 weeks time rite up to bulan posa cant wait to get out frm KL..tunggu green light ja then im off to a greener pasture!(hopefully) dun worry yzzi everything will juz falls in perfectly..ull c

ps/ keciknya Bigmac n colonel burger KFC skang...sabar je aku (yea tengah mkn both burgers skang..wut a big appetite huh)

pps/ amboi daria banyak ja org blanja hang makan..bile time aku neh?and ko mesti rasa skali mandi bawah kepala shower sebesar bola tu k??

sigh...

Dear Lie - TLC

Dear lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead I'm fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had balls I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm not smart
I let you unnerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more

Chorus:
Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me (out of me)
Out of me
Out of me lie
Lie lie lie lie

Dear lie
You're dumb
You think you've got the best of me
You think you won
Misread my vulnerability
I've got your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I've learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Won't let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

Repeat Chorus

Lie lie
I've got
Your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Wont' let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

Repeat Chorus

Lie lie
Dear lie
Lie Lie Lie Lie
Lie Lie
Dear lie

im lying to myself all ths while..im afraid the truth might hurt me
y?y?y?y?y? CANT I JUZ LET GO?
y?y?y?y?y? CANT I JUZ GIVE UP?
y?y?y?y?y? CANT I JUZ STOP HOPING?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I JUZ PULL MYSELF TOGETHER?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I PICK MYSELF UP?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I JUZ LIVE MY LIFE?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I START ALL OVER?