let it b light

AKU MAU KEMBALI PADAMU SAJA TUHAN

2009-10-22T01:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Life

I lost my thumbdrive @ gym yesterday. you know how very important n significant that thumbdrive is kan?dah takde lagi gambar kami berdua. i memang banyak kali nak print out again gambar kita after i koyakkan bila kita gaduh besar

sayangg?im sorry i careless dan hilangkan kenangan kita. yang tinggal hanya kenangan saja. if i deleted my fb akaun or change my number. i wont see you again sampai mati..even though kita dah pisah dan takde ape2 tapi ..kenangan itu yang all i have of us..coz i dont hate you. i dont hate you at all..

sayang adakah suma ini sebenarnya alamat dari tuhan yang mengatakan hubungan kita dulu hanyalah bayang2 dalam diri kita?adakah this means kita betul2 mati takde sejarah nor any trace of existance

adakah you di sana menyumpah kita begitu teruk?i wish someday you will come across, sumhow of this blog coz i just wana u know how much pain you caused me..its really sakit yang..i hope u puas hati dengan sumpahan you suma. berkali2 di sms saya tanya you dulu apakah hazab yang MAHA besar i buat kat you sampai you treat me cam sampah ..sehina2 manusia
di mana2 ceruk i pegi, all men yang i nampak hehari or communicate dengan sumanya remind me of you in some weird way

i just wana go home now n cried myself sampai besok..that is the only thing i know and makes me feel skit better..

i hate you kerana buatkan hati merindu..you lutut truk mana pun kat i , i wont have you in my life AT ALL ..NOT ANYMORE

biarlah bayang2 you bermain2 dalam fikiran i ..biarlah i have memory relapse teruk mana pun tentang you..i will tanggung masalah yang i cari sendiri

kalau tanggungan ini adalah perlu untuk i teruskan hidup ini..then tanggungan i will do
i want you so bad right now hany..but I SURE DUN NEED YOU. ade you hati i lagi sakit berpanjangan. bahagia cuma sekejap ja..walaupun drug cinta itu sangat2 addictive
harap tuhan bayar segala kesakitan ini two fold unto you. only then you would know betapa i kasih dan sayang kat you sepenuh hati ..perasaan yang you kejikan, kutuk-kan dan sumpahkan

AKU MAU KEMBALI PADAMU SAJA TUHAN..

kerana lakonan dunia ini sudah memualkan

lebih baik aku membayar segala hutang dosaku di rumah mu Tuhan

aku tidak mahu menambah dosa ku lagi kerna tanggungan hati ini MAHA berat bagi ku Tuhan

aku cinta padanya Tuhan, temukan aku dengan bidadari2 mu untuk aku melupakan kedukaan ini

AKU MAU KEMBALI PADAMU SAJA TUHAN ..

hari yang pedih pilu

2009-10-21T00:41:00.000-07:00

dear life

yesterday memang bes kan spent time ngan lina and her bf yang berkemampuan dan sangat2 caring itu.tapi yelah dulu pun you memang caring sangat kat i kan ?

i miss you sangat rindu yang sangat2 J..i nangis kat depan PC ni tapi i lap je air mata i pelan2

kejamnya perasaan rindu ini pedih dan pilu juga

Kau katakan cinta gunakan akal
Bila aku gunakan, kau yang menyangkal
Bagaimana nak kekal
Kau katakan cinta gunakan minda
Bila aku gunakanKau yang tak percaya… bagaimana nak bahagia
Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Dan aku cuba sedaya upaya
Telah ku usaha dengan sepenuh jiwa
Bagaimana hendak ku lupabayangan wajahmu selalu di depan mataharum baumu masih dapat ku hidu
Bagaimana ingin aku membencimu
Jikalau setiap hari merindu
Sekiranya derita merinduimu itu sebenarnya bahagia..Aku pilih derita..
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Mungkinkah esok atau lusa walau biarpun lama
Akan ku biar tiada, ku tetap kan setiaEntah bila akan tiba sampai jua harimu yang sama
Esok seperti semalaman yang tak berubah
Kaulah tanda tanya… kau tiada titik noktah
Ku dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semulaKaulah tanda tanya… kau tiada titik noktahKu dibuai mimpi lena dikejut igau semula
LSeandainya kau berada di depan mata
Mudah untuk aku berkata-kata
Supaya dapatku melihat seraut wajahmu
Walaupun belum tentu kau mahu bertemu
Apalagi memandangku
Setelah ku turutkan segala kemahuan kau mainkan perasaan
Begitu mudah kau ucapkan terimalah saja kenyataan…Aku masih terkilan
Maafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiriManis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Jika kau dapat memahami hati seorang perindu
Baru kau tahu derita hatikuJika suatu hari nanti giliran kau merindu
Baru kau ingat derita diriku
Segala yang berlaku bukan kemahuanku
Apa gunanya bahgia
Jikalau bahagia bersamamu hanyalah untuk sementara waktu
Aku pilih derita merinduimu
PMaafmu tak bererti, kau mudah sesali
Berulang kali telah kau mungkiri
Manis mulut berjanji terpedaya lagi
Menanti biar terus didustai
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa
Kaulah bahagia (bagiku)
Kaulah derita (bagimu)
Esok lusamu, tak ku kenal lagi engkau siapa

i benci you uat i camni..tinggalkan i sensorang kat sini..i taknak pun u bahgia kat sana dengan sapa pun

i masih sayang sangat kat you tapi you buangkan i macam sampah, takde maruah no nothing

i know someone, somebody , someday is out there for me. tah mana you lama sangat buatkan i menanti

the pain and burden yang i tanggung sekarang i hope i can share it with you..Mr sumbody, somewhere

i tau you sumpah i akan teringatkan you sampai mati dan seksa..ape yang u marah and sumpah i sangat??i nak ajak u kawin or kita tinggal sama semula but u taknak kan?adeke i duakan you?tak kan?jadi??????!!sumpah atas nama patti kan. i nak you termakan balik sumpah you sampai mati jugak

I HATE YOU J, I WISH YOU MATI DENGAN SANGAT TERUK!!

:-( i hate myself loving you still..NOT FAIR ..NOT FAIR NYE

Eve of Hari Raya Itu~

2009-10-15T22:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Life,

Esok dah raya D. kan..tetibe terkenang raya tahun lepas yang agak bitter sweet n memorable coz my birthday falls on the same day of raya. i was in M. 1st time celebrating it with his fam. after 5yrs of being together.

kalaula kan aku dapat bertahan few months aje lagi..maybe aku still in M. maybe married to him. maybelah kalau tak pun live in je masih. Dengan itu, relationship dengan family non existant lahkan.adakah perlu membuat sacrifce MAHA hebat itu untuk bersama dengan dia kan..berbaloi ke?throwing my whole life diperhambakan untuk bersama dirinya.yea aku rasa cukup bahgia dengan sisa-sisa kasih sayang diberi.cukup bahgia.tapi it wasnt enough..sebab itulah jiwa memberontak

BUT

whatever it is pun HE WAS MY DRUG. I CANT GET ENOUGH OF HIM. I NEED MY FIX ..OR ELSE..or so i tought

true relationship is bout acceptance and compromise.tapi aku rasa on my part aku lebih berkompromasi la..

i love my family . even though kadang rasa they dont even care if im alive. but i think they do care and love me.
FAMILY ALWAYS COMES FIRST
if you dengan dia pun family "dia" pun kena datang first jugak. tapi the question is...Adakah kami dikira "Family" jika bersama? demented ah

Aku salah juga sebenarnya..tapi sedih sangat lah salahkan benda yang sudah tiada..outta my kontrol walaupun aku cuba gak nak kontrol sumanya for our relationship to be better

I called auntie tadi nak ucap selamat hari raya. tapi tak berangkat, i wonder why. dari hari tu lagi..sigh..i know she doesnt care bout our relationship. "tak masuk campur" she said

Deepavali=festival of lights

May this day brings light to your life J. I wont pikir pasal you /what you are doing right now/or who you are with...i dont want you to be happy gak..tapi i telan dalam2 perasaan ni..

penat fikir dah..penat menangis for you dah. i want you to sedar someday..tapi tah bila..yang it was a HUGE mistake leaving me. I want you to suffer how i suffer skarang..teruk betul perangai you..tak bagi i muka lansung

ive been used n dump like sampah..n my heart has been tored to pieces.. you left me alone picking up the pieces satu2 skit2 ..pelan i kutip..sepah2 cebisan hati i all over between M n KL

Ya Tuhan i know ade hikmah disebalik suma ini kan? there MUST be few..kuatkan hati ku untuk berhenti berharap dan MOVE ON

Might be you dah tak pikir pasal i pun dah. might be you dah happy sangat, lega dah u managed to get rid of me TOTALLY.

Life without you is...????entahlahhh..

Im destroying my life sedikit2 dengan sedar..by letting go of myself .the BEST REVENGE
is for me to LIVE MY LIFE HAPPILY okay

baikkkkkk, im taking it one day at a time..

TRAGEDI OKTOBER

2009-10-08T18:39:00.000-07:00

9.10.09

Bukan kecewa dipinggirkan

Aku kecewa tiada kejujuran

Bukan bersedih disakiti

Teramat pedih diri dikhianati

Sebelum kasih menjadi benci

Aku memilih berpisah di sini

Bila tiada kesetiaan

Tak mungkin teguh pendirian

Biar menangis di ketika ini

Tidak rela menagis di kemudian hari

Hilang kekasih mungkin berganti

Yang kuharapkan teman sejati

Sebelum kasih menjadi benci

Aku memilih berpisah di sini

Oh teman sejati Oh teman sejati

Oh berpisah di sini

Sebelum kasihMenjadi benci

Aku memilih berpisah di sini

i balik frm M tadi.sorang.5.30am.ujan lebat.he dumped me like sampah via sms. i ponteng keje semalam waited for him to come home dekat 2 hari .dlm blik.tak makan.tak mandi.he refuse badly to see me at all.maki hamun teruk kat sms. he has new car.new confidence.he needs new gf.i can see it coming actually.he always lupakan i bila dia senang. dapat duit lebih.pi vacation.travel.typical kan?

yea aku masih dengan dia.baca balik posts lama.that long kan.tapi tak hepi.insecure.sedih sangat.

i thought after patti died we can get married and he cant live without me but i was wrong.he also didnt tell me when patti died.i knew after a week and half.but it it doesnt matter kan skarang

the "pain" doesnt settle in lagi but ive been through this many many times. takkan tak numb kan .takkan takleh handle? keep repeating in my head

"he s not fit to be a husband or a dad to my children. he should be my pillar of strenght .ketua keluarga.he s not my equal."

hey?just let go..seperti 3 bulan lepas ye?kita dah cuba sedaya upaya kan?ade je tak kena. ade org "menunggu" dia. and might be ade orang "menunggu" i kan ? u dah beg, u dah cried, u dah triak.uve done evrything tapi tak lekat gak. meaning ade lah something tu kay?

tapi ironic lah biasa dekat my birthday or raya mesti r.ship in the bridge of breaking up or tengah krisis or dah break up kan?macam sumpah ye

i simpan gambar2 (dia mana yang dapat) takat simpan je lah.maybe tatap after few years kan?skang tak boleh i memang tengah rindukan dia sangat thats why beria2 nak jumpa. i even dah packed raya goodies and cheese tart. tapi tak sempat nak beri. well, again it doesnt make any diff. pun.

rn kalau dia dah kuat letting you go senang macam tu coz of whatever reason pun .u mesti ber- ganda2 kuat ye.life s like that. in the end women jugak yang banyak rugi dalam relationship.

relationship sangat penting buat saya coz im afraid of being alone and miserable.i miss the intimacy most.hazabbb nyaaa..

kita pelan2 pi gym, buat lesen, amik MUET, buat degree, tukar keje or amik M lessons..sambil2 cari bf baru ye reene?i know banyak kali u cakap nak uat above things. tapi truthly kalau u tak clash tah sampai bila u nak bergerak kan??ull be too busy attending to his needs.tunggu dia balik keje. tu aja lah..i think. i pun dah rasa content dapat hambakan diri dengan dia. he s happy and feeling satiated with whatever .i pun puas. strange kenapa camtu kan? r.ship i ni like mother -child relationship. he left the nest i end up alone and nobody to serve to. bleyy tak..well his "gatal" nature pun tak help lansung.

yang pentingnya i think im in a phase wanting to get married.to have a teman sejati.permanent partner. i tau in my heart it wont work. i got all the signs tapi maybe low self esteem lah or the settled -for-less attitude buat i pining, hoping , berharap sangat kat dia. he kan my 1st ever

i hope as i go along in life. i can totally be at peace with myself. have the confidence to do anything i want .being happy alone.tak pikir pasal dia banyak sangat.cry je alot.biasa i kan lega after a good cry kan?anddd of course finding my true love..wherever he might be

jangan lama sangat depressed ye reene.blaja dari lina.tak payah pi jauh.okay?just keep on movin.pause kejap.then resume balik kay .keep the pace.

syukur kepada Allah whatever it is pun, i have felt how love can change a person. jadik better, good or bad tengok dynamic r.ship tu camne kan.in my case: all of the above. tapi rasa banyak bad kan?i also felt being crazily in love.obsessively. and bein hurt sooooo bad in the end. i know its better to feel love than never love at all.tapi i rather taknak go through r.ship yang BAD AGAIN. i nak being head over heels passionly in love again, i do..sighh

note to him: baby, hany, usuk ,bntt, sayang, uyang,ubi, yoyang, yg..ur everything takat ni.its the end of the road for you.IM TAKING BACK MY LOVE.the end

how r u tday yzzi??

2006-09-03T18:23:00.000-07:00

dear life,

thx fer asking hehe..im aighttt..last nite b4 i sleep ive decided that he is not a keeper..in real life thrs a lotta "episodes"..ive got nothin to loose, well except da $ spent on him..but $ bleh cari, at that time $ adalah perlu to maintain my relationship..so oklahh.was thinking to juz forget bout da 1.12.06 affairs but we ll c how..

on a lighter note,im on a juice diet..well selagi daya la..fresh pegaga + green apple juice.i also take Estime capsule almost everyday. i heard its a miracle pill. yea we ll c how it turns out, i wanna make my skin sparkle!*twink *twink lil me..

anyway looking 4ward to get job confirmation this month..i wanna work for the gov. for reasons i dun really know except wanting the pension and oh yeah...balik TEPAT pada waktunya (walaupun mmg kaki masuk keje lambat, huuuu huuuuu)

till later...

ps/ congrats daria!! she scored pretty high in her undang2 driving test and congrats too to Linda she got engaged last saturday, semoga berbahagia di samping ur lover

tra lalala and the journeyy continuessss..

juz another day in ..erm?paradise???

2006-09-01T07:36:00.000-07:00

dear life,

this song represent wut i xactly feel rite now..

If I Ain't Got You

by Alicia Keys

Some people live for the fortune
Some people live just for the fame
Some people live for the power yeah
Some people live just to play the game
Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people search for a fountain
Promises forever young
Some people need three dozen roses
And that's the only way to prove you love them

Hand me a world on a silver platter
And what good would it be?
With no one to share, with no one who truely cares for me

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamond rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

If I ain't got you with me baby
Nothing in this whole wide world don't mean a thing
If I ain't got you with me baby

Im stil stuck in a moment..in a rut mungkin, been listening to NKOTB song back to back this past few days i had a good cry. a couple of episodes actually.i like it.i need it. sumtimes i feel im addicted to sadness, loneliness n drama.i think i like my days to b dark and gloomy.pelik gak.i chose to feel this way.happines is juz round da corner but cam boring bein happy. boley ke ape camtu?right this moment.i dun feel like goin out sein frens or in a crowd.. bein with ppl or go to places. i find solace in my room n juz bein with my family. im glad afta the "parang incident" i did not rebelled n walk out on my family.haha, wut a nite..a rush of adrenalin.ahhhhhh..wut a bliss sumtimes to b so reckless and young.it seems so ridiculous at that time. yes i do like drama but malas nak berdrama panjang2 ngn family.boring je nak risaukan mak bapak.

i tot i like living in a life yg hebat ..life yg elaborate, starry eyed..but as i grew older all i want is simplicity in life.with the occasional drama of course.more importantly to juz be with him..yesss nobody else..juz HIM anyway its been nearly few days I didnt hear his voice...miss skit lah but oklahh..

Tuhan masih sayang kat i....MAHA HEBATNYA tuhan..im goin with the flow skang..take it one day at a time.

"..the worst pain of all is the end of hope.." -movie Alexander the Great

yea i masih tak loose hope n still wants him ..but mayb i dun need him dat muc.lust-luv lah kut.tapi this time around with certain conditions lah sumhow wont giv up on him.a bad boy.hook on him.u r blinded.yea, i am blinded rite now tapi masih pikir praktikal.

anyway im not interested on da day to day happenings in my life. only interested bout my so called "luv life" career wise's good nvr been better , money wise..ok..health wise skit problem but i can handle it..spiritual wise...hmmm...boleh lagi dibaiki..family wise..ok je

move on, move on

shout out to grllll power!banyak my g.frens yg achieved banyak benda positif in their life ths past few weeks (kecuali getting married la)..they seem to b sgt happy..hidup ni bukan ke roda n they r on top skang..im so tumpang happy!so muc +ve energy around me..ive been so blessed..bukan ke?tolonglah sedar..x regrets yzziii..ingat tu

will be doin lot of travelling in 2 weeks time rite up to bulan posa cant wait to get out frm KL..tunggu green light ja then im off to a greener pasture!(hopefully) dun worry yzzi everything will juz falls in perfectly..ull c

ps/ keciknya Bigmac n colonel burger KFC skang...sabar je aku (yea tengah mkn both burgers skang..wut a big appetite huh)

pps/ amboi daria banyak ja org blanja hang makan..bile time aku neh?and ko mesti rasa skali mandi bawah kepala shower sebesar bola tu k??

sigh...

2006-06-20T02:53:00.000-07:00

Dear Lie - TLC

Dear lie
You suck
You said you could fix anything
Instead I'm fucked
You made things even worse for me
If I had balls I'd tell you get away from me
Guess I'm not smart
I let you unnerve me
I let you control me
Afraid the truth would hurt me
When it's you that hurts me more

Chorus:
Get outta my mouth
Get outta my head
Get outta my mind
Stop puttin' words in my head
Get outta my mouth
You're nothing but trouble
Get outta my life
Get out of me
Out of me (out of me)
Out of me
Out of me lie
Lie lie lie lie

Dear lie
You're dumb
You think you've got the best of me
You think you won
Misread my vulnerability
I've got your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I've learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Won't let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

Repeat Chorus

Lie lie
I've got
Your walls
Now get the hell away from me
I learned your art
Won't let you unnerve me
Wont' let you control me
The truth will only free me
And your lies won't hurt no
No more

Repeat Chorus

Lie lie
Dear lie
Lie Lie Lie Lie
Lie Lie
Dear lie

im lying to myself all ths while..im afraid the truth might hurt me
y?y?y?y?y? CANT I JUZ LET GO?
y?y?y?y?y? CANT I JUZ GIVE UP?
y?y?y?y?y? CANT I JUZ STOP HOPING?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I JUZ PULL MYSELF TOGETHER?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I PICK MYSELF UP?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I JUZ LIVE MY LIFE?
y?y?y?y?y?CANT I START ALL OVER?

win some, loose sum

2006-06-15T07:25:00.000-07:00

dear life,

i think J is cheating on me.i mean yea we broke up, tapi still contact each other on a daily basis. so its not really cheating kut tapi dia dah macam move on nampaknya.mana i tau? lets call it a scorpio lady intuition gitu...but it doesnt really bothers me muc since i dah muak dgn J.all of him.MUAK.im getting the last laugh J...hehe

anyways..ths saturday will be goin to my 2nd massage session. i got a gr8 deal.ths experience will hv sumthing to do with wut i plan to do in the future.only there are risks involved. wear and tear.hmmm..comtemplating lah jugak hal ni..but its gonna b a grt experience nonethelesss...im sure tmrw gonna have a sleepover at a fren's house. ape mowtif rapat ngn dia?hmmm..tak nampak lagi..perlu ka mowtif???hmmm...entahla. akan ade series of outing bersama my "new fren"...we ll c lah how far we can go..

i luv my job.i can get net access 24-7.wut a coolll place to lepakkk..hmmm..bab2 tempat nak lepak kat opis mmg bes..siap bleh overnite..tapi luxury ni takkan lama..hmm sayangnya

tengah gila makan lebanese bread with lotsa greens & tuna/sambal tempe

seterusnya ...di tagged oleh cik D kita

My Perfect Lover Must:
Kekasih Ideal Saya Mestilah:

1. SAYANG I
2. penyabar
3. pemikiran sama wavelength dgn i
4. seorang yg spiritual
5. rajin berusaha
6. respect me and my family
7. caring towards ME
8. kalau bleh non malay..haha

ade ke suc thing as a perfect lover??berharap je lah..

dan tag seterusnyaaaa...hailaaaa

Nak kawin dengan siapa?
dgn bfren i lah

Kawin dengan orang negeri mana?
klau bleh org luar negeri /org KL la

Kenapa?
sama wavelength dan baru hidup adventure skit besides im into interracial r.ship

Kalau sebaliknya ?
redha..pasrahhh..berhenti berharap..vley??if we r meant to be..so be it

Dah ada calon ke ?
complicated lahh..tapi anggap takde la huhuuuu

Bila nak kawin ?
bila ade org masuk meminanggg..haha

Hantaran kawin ?
nego. hehe. harga semasa lah..minyak dah naik, gula dah takde kat pasaran, tariff electric lagii..hailaaaaaa mahallnya nak kawin zmn skangg huhuuu

ok sekian..trima kasih

bergerak boleh tak??MOVE IT

2006-06-13T08:28:00.000-07:00

dear life,

i spent time wit my ex last week. yea kes gila talak gamaknya. dah le 1st time we fought when we c each other. since its a LDR thingy supposedly we put aside benda2 yg remeh temeh untuk elakkan dari gaduh. bukan perang besar tapi lebih kepada miscommunication. he wont listen or trima wteva i have to say. i mmg taknak jumpa dia lg but hati ini tak mahu lagi berhenti berharap. DEGIL nyaaa..hailaaaaa. sesungguhnya hati ini telah dibutakan oleh cinta. or mayb bukan cinta infatuation bleh jadik gak or the big N pun kut . i merajuk masa last nite whn we r 2gether so i naik bas sendiri n balik KL. juz wana c his effort to send me back n buat dia rasa bersalah. well ade skit but dats nothin. stat to miss him as soon as sampai KL.anyways, i had enuff of givin him a chance!had enuff of bein da gd girl!in a way rasa sudah tak larat. which is very good. tak bleh nak think rasional asyik ikut perasaan jaaa. i juz cant b mad at him. i need dat ANGER n perasaan amarah tu untuk betul2 move on!!goshhh i wanted to call him rite now...or send sms neh. tengah tahan gila neh!

I baca preview one book "why men marry biatches: a woman s guide to winning her man s heart" by sherry argov . I GOTTA B A BIATCH! i mean seriously..lagi kita berharap pada dia..lagi dia pijak kepala kita!perempuan "baik" mmg loser lah!lagi kita berlembut n sabar dgn laki..lagi dia amik kesempatan n take us fer granted. ade ke nak i turun lagi jumpa dia this week and next week. MOWTIF??then when i refused dia tuduh i bukan2.i cannot say wuts in my mind. tak bleh berbincang lansung dgn dia. mmg buat cara baik n cakap ngn dia pun lembut. but he brush me off and juz dun wanna talk bout anything. relationship is all bout communicating!mcm mana nak kenal diri masing2 dgn mendalam and wht/how we feel suma kalau taknak communicate??mmg tak sekolah agama betul lah jantan neh..menciii!!

im the matured one, the smart and the sabar one here. mmg maintain frm the start. i dun need ur apology sms k?dah terasa diri tu salah baru nak panggil sayang pelbagai..wut r u trying to prove??ee a piece of shit betul lah..im not jenis bleh sabar. tapi sejak dlm r.ship yg ni, kesabaran langit ketujuh betul...eeee tah pe2 tah

u wanna play nasty J...then ill b nasty...im not kain pengelap kaki k?senang2 ja balik ngn kita when u want me then when things get serious u blah..sesuka hati je tau. dear god let perasaan marah n geram ni semakin hari semakin besar..seriously fark up betul lah

anyways...i spent RM100 a day for entertainment juz to make myself happy. its not i cant afford it but i gotta save $ when i start blaja balik soon ..will lepak kolej sabtu nih..juz nak tgk environment kat sana camne..i quit gym coz nak blaja balik. i luv goin to the gym. but i can exercise on my own and start main squash balik...its juz dat...nak pick myself balik. start frm scratch....proves to be susah bangattt...i gotta b one step kedepan..gerak satu langkah je yzziii...ohh cmonnnnnn

sumhw crita the Beauty Shop produced and starring Queen Latifah bagi i semangat skitt...gosh it was the longest w.endddd...i wanna fall in luv again..i wont giv up on myself..banyak benda nak kena accomplish this year the kolej thingy, nak amik semula lesen keta, start exercise balik n travelling...i gotta pick myself up before my birthdayyyy la weiii..hailaaaaa..takmo je tak happy on my birthdayyyy..

all this dgn J the sadis part is r.ship with my mum sgt cold skanggg..hailaaaa.

I GOTTA LUV MYSELF BALIK...TOO DEPENDENT ON J..IM LOSING ME

I LUV U YZZI...bleh takkk ckp syg diri sendirii...

ps/ daria nnt2 la i buat tags tu k?
pps/ thanks sis...sashi kapoor pun sashi kapoor lahh n N?yes i wud luv to see u..juz giv me sum time k?

update: 11pm- he smsed me saying he misses me...alamakkkk tolonglahhh..i cakap "trima kasih" lahh..menciiiii betl ko ni J...suka buat org lemah!

ugh...

2006-06-04T18:33:00.000-07:00

dear life,

"he" wants to meet me...nak spent quiet time wth me...ughhhhh...gosh wut shud i do??im at a crossroad yet again..sesungguhnya aku lemah oleh pujuk rayu...but all ths things started with the inability tuk spend quiet time together slalu leeeee...ughhhhhh

wut will it be yzzi...ikut hati or akal?

ughhhhhh.....

?in luv or is it?

2006-06-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

Forcing It

Your guy may be great-looking, smart and caring, but the fact is, he just ain't making your heart go ga-gung, ga-gung. Not only do you frequently edit out unflattering things about him (his bad habits, his unsatisfying lovemaking style, his tendency to piss you off) when you talk about him to friends, you feel compelled to get their approval to know if you're a good match.

"Women can talk themselves into being in love with a guy for a variety of reasons," says Bonnie Eaker Weil, Ph.D., a relationship therapist in New York City and author of Make Up, Don't Break Up. "You may be in love with the idea of love, so you fool yourself into thinking you are," says Weil. "We live in a couples' world, so having a man you care about but aren't truly crazy for sometimes seems like a better alternative to being single. A relationship becomes a status symbol." And having hordes of happily coupled-up pals doesn't exactly help the situation. "You may be feeling pressure from friends around you who are either engaged or in committed relationships and don't want to feel left behind," explains Nancy Rosenbach, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in New York City and Long Island. "So you rush to label yourself as 'in love' and don't stop to wonder if you might have settled for someone who doesn't truly stimulate you."

The truth is, trying to talk yourself into being head over heels will only backfire. "Not only are you cheating yourself out of having a truly passionate relationship, but you're also setting yourself up to eventually become bored, take him for granted and pull away from him when someone better comes along," says Rosenbach. Perhaps it's time to make a clean split with him and consider your other guy options. "It's scary to consider breaking away from what you have and getting out there to find a better match, because you may love the consistency of having a date every Saturday night and a steady sex partner and wonder if you'll even meet someone better," says Weil. But holding on to a guy who doesn't make your pulse race does you and him a disservice. You owe it to him to be honest about your feelings, and you owe it to yourself to consider parting ways-so your heart will be open to someone who'll make it leap off the charts.

dear life

he called last evening juz wanting to knw how i am..tah ape i mengomel kat dia smlm. but i did say finally i faham why he wanted us to quit..its because u luv me so muc n u want me to be happy dpt bf/hubby yg akan buat i happy n treat me better. bein a sweet guy dat he is he said

"how can i not luv u more" hmmm..J, J..

u knw J dgn perkenalan singkat kita i think we r "special" couple God nak kita bersatu so we can learn bout ourselves better. so we knw wut we want in life.yeaaa J saya dah mula berfikir.benar2 berfikir. u alwiz suh i camtu. kata i cam budak2 tak matured all. hmm..mayb juz mayb ull b the last non malay man i hook up with..and walau dulu i slalu pandang rendah kat u tapi sebenarnya u adalah guy yg paling smart berbanding guys lain yg ada paper qualifiaction than u .perkenalan kita mmg harus berlaku..its significant untuk kita blaja dan teruskan hidup masing2..im actually glad n bertuah dapat kenal u J..dalam hidup kita yg short dan bila2 masa bleh kembali kepada our Pencipta ni dapat juga kenal a guy like u ..the total opposite of me..so diff. in every way and yet kita berdua try juga untuk bersama and gave ourselves a chance in luv. truly..bein in luv is sumthin magnificant.beyond words actually. sgt2 addictive juga.i have kalah in luv..tapi i gain a lot more...thank u J my one n only "ikan salmon" ..i luv u so muc sayanggg..and im officially letting "us" go...

n u knw mourning period adalah perlu after a break up seperti nasihat u Sis..listening to sad songggs and absorb suma kesedihan dan reminiscence bout kenangan yg manis/pahit adalah a part of healing process.

Note: all it takes is juz a lil psychology..understand how men works..pretty gd insight frm Cosmo. online...im gonna b better at da next r.ship..insyaalah afta all im only human

ps/ cant wait for Break Up movie to come out..i "heart" u Jen! do u knw 2.6.06 is offically a Break up day??
pps/ not to forget a big THANK U and HUGSS to all my frens who stood by me during ths diffi. time..Daria, Sis, Ali, Ani & Navin

10 things about...

2006-05-31T02:53:00.000-07:00

Break Ups

More often than not, breaking up is as hard on the person ending the relationship as it is on the person being broken up with - don't assume just because a person is breaking up with you means that they no longer care about you, caring about you and wanting a relationship with you are not one and the same.
Nobody likes to hurt another person, especially somebody they have been close to, and it is often very easy to guilt trip somebody into staying with you when they are trying to end things. Resist this urge! When you use guilt as a way to stop a break up you not only cheat yourself out of having a good and true relationship, you foster resentment in the other person which could lead to greater pain and heart ache in the future.
Being broken up with does not mean that there is something wrong with you; it just means that there is something that is not working in the relationship. Try not to take the rejection too personally. Remember that lots of great people have had failed relationships - the fact that the relationships failed says nothing about their value as a person. The fact that your relationship failed likewise says nothing about you as a person.
It is all right to cry, get mad and feel hurt when you are dumped. These are normal natural feelings. Just be sure that you let your feelings out in a safe place among friends or family. Do not make your ex the target of your feelings, even if they have done something to deserve your outrage. The sooner you let go of the other person, the sooner the healing can begin.
Breaking up is never easy. You will have good days and you will have bad days. Take it one day at a time and don't beat yourself up if you have an overly emotional day - you're only human after all.
Break ups are often followed by one of the parties starting a new relationship and when this happens it can bring up all sorts of old feelings. If you thought you were over someone who broke up with you and find yourself upset at the news that s/he has moved on, rest assured you are normal. Let yourself be upset, it is part of the healing process.
Acting out in anger is never good for anybody. After being broken up with don't spread mean or spiteful rumors. Don't betray former confidences by telling old secrets to others. If another person was involved in your break up resist the urge to slam them behind their back. Acting vicious only makes you look bad and any satisfaction you may feel will be short lived. In the end this sort of behaviour will only make you feel worse.
A big part of the pain of breaking up comes from a feeling of embarrassment. We often fear how the situation will look to outsiders. Refuse to be embarrassed, even if you did something outlandish to cause your break up. Letting go of the embarrassment will help you move on to the healing.
Nobody ever deserves to be hurt. Your ex does not deserve to be hurt because you are hurting. Your ex's new love interest (if one even exists) does not deserve to be hurt just because you feel jealous. You do not deserve to be hurt, even if you acted badly and caused the break up. Breaking up hurts, but it doesn't have to be made worse by holding a grudge or drowning yourself in a pool of if only's. Deal with the reality and let go of your anger, the pain will disappear more quickly if you do.
Things may seem bleak now but you never know what the future may hold for you and your ex. You may get back together someday. You may not. Either way it is better to let go of a faltering relationship while there is still some caring left between the two of you. If you play it out to the bitter end and leave your ex no choice but to hate you to get rid of you, you close the door to the future. Bowing out graciously leaves room for a future relationship with your ex, even if it is just as good friends.

his bad side:

x paper qualification
x stable job
alwiz broke
immature
crooked n bad teeth
smoker
bad breath
too skinny
really dehydrated skin
insensitive
not a grt conversationalist
not really funny
x romantic
bad r.ship with his mom
troubled family
alwiz seems like tinggikan suara ngn granny
taknak mengalah tuk maintain r.ship
degil
called me biatch
tak tau nak pujuk
doesnt like my frens
ntgginbd
suka nak sepah
suka minum
snore

y shud i crave for him ???wtf!

update on 2/6: even tho u r ALL DAT..tapi i.. yg mayb lagi tak sempurna berbanding u "kalah" kepada cinta u ...all ths imperfections makes u an even better man..u dun deserve a gal like me J...i really hope ur future gf/wife will love n care for you MORE than i did..ur so luvable..the world has been so harsh on u sayang..i pray to God that he gives u strength and all those kesengsaraan u hadapi akan berbaloi kelak...and soon im sure ull find happiness and more. ur WORTH IT my luv

Are You About to be Dumped?

S/he is suddenly busy all the time, and never seems to have time to spend with you. When you find yourself becoming less and less of a time priority, even if the reasons for the distance seem logical, it is never a good thing.
You find that only your fingers do any walking. If you are the only one who ever picks up the phone, especially if the phone calling used to be split pretty equally, break up bells should start ringing.
When you call, more often than not you are asked to leave a message. Be it a parent, sib or friend, if somebody else always seems to answer the phone and take a message you are probably being screened, and we don't screen people we want to talk to!
S/he says s/he is one place but is really another. People do not tend to lie for no reason, if s/he is not being honest about where s/he is or who s/he is with there is rarely a noble reason for the deception.
You don't seem to connect anymore. Remember how when you were first getting together you would run into each other in unexpected places, like between classes or at the mall? If these "accidental" meetings become less common place it may be no accident at all.
Her/his friends seem distant. When somebody wants out of a relationship they often let their friends in on the secret well ahead of time. If your steady's friends seem less friendly it is a good indicator that they know something you don't and that it probably isn't good.
The lovin' is gone! When affection and PDAs (public displays of affection) start to dwindle is could mean the fire of love is also going out.
S/he starts introducing you to new people as "a friend". If s/he is calling you a friend that is all s/he sees you as -- bottom line.
You seem to be fighting a lot about little things. Lots of little fights often mean much bigger things are really at issue.
Kissing and telling. Respect is a relationship essential, once it has been compromised the relationship often follows suit.
You just can't seem to do ANYTHING right. Be it the style of your hair or the way you walk, if your steady suddenly finds fault with everything you do s/he is probably trying to push you away.
You aviod any conversation that begins with "we have to talk" or "I don't know how to say this." If your steady is using these opening lines a break up speech usually follows. If you are avoiding conversations that start like this it is probably because you sense that a break up is near and think tha if you avoid the talk it won't happen. You are wrong, if a person wants out of a relationship they will get out whether you let them tell you or not. Avoiding this talk is just prolonging the inevitable.

Break ups can be harsh but they hurt less if you face facts rather than hide from the truth

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!PERSETANNNNNN

wut a coincidence

2006-05-30T22:12:00.000-07:00

Relationship a strain

I have been going out with this guy for more than a year. Both of us are in our early 30s. We love each other and enjoy spending time together.

However, our relationship has been marred by the fact that he is currently self-employed. All is not well and he has been facing many obstacles. I have had to forget about having birthday gifts from him or any romantic Valentine gifts due to his financial constraints. I have faithfully stood by him and spent much time with him to give him moral and emotional support. I believe that he will succeed as long as he continues to strive, though I am aware it will be a difficult time for both of us.

My parents have pressuring me to settle down. I am ready to be with him through thick and thin, but he is not. He somehow feels that he does not want to drag me into his financial difficulties, especially if we were to be husband and wife.

My family feels that I am wasting my time with him. My mom even called me a slut. That really killed whatever pride I had left in me. It also tears me apart when they put him down.

No one believes that he will succeed. That’s fine by me, as long as he’s done his best. It is not the end of the world.

I have incurred the wrath of my parents whom I love dearly, just to be with him. But I do ask myself ? what has he done for this relationship? I feel like I’m battling this war alone.

I wish that he would stand up for me the same way I do for him. He has given me the choice to leave him but I have chosen to stay put.

Thelma, sometimes I wonder if he is beginning to take me for granted. I have to speak well of him in front of my family and friends. No one knows of the torment I go through. I cry myself to sleep some nights when I go through a bad patch with my family. I have talked to him about my family’s reaction, but still, all he does is listen. I wish so much that for once, he will be bold and do something concrete for US, to prove to my family that he is sincere about me.

I’m just tired of being the only one to protect our relationship. I feel like I’m about to explode. I’m just an ordinary woman who wants to be with the one she dearly loves but the man ain’t doing what a man’s supposed to do.

Anyone out there who has been in the same shoes ? is what I’m going through worth all these tears and heartache?

Love is Not a Bed of Roses

You’re tired and a little disappointed in your man. You wish that he can prove your folks wrong and show the world that he loves you enough to make it good in life.

But he’s an ordinary man too and he needs time to succeed. All this pressure on him will not help to make his life easier. Your tears and pain, your problems with the family, probably adds on to his sleepless nights. His silence does not mean that he cares less about you. He probably feels helpless at this moment because he has yet to make you proud.

You went into this relationship with your eyes open and your heart warned. While you need to heed the words of well-meaning family and friends, you should know your guy better. When the chips are down, support him with your strength and love and do not drag him down with regrets and demands.

He can’t give you roses or diamonds now. But perhaps when he is rich and successful, you will never lack. Others can call you a slut, a fool for being with him but you know you are not. You love him and know that he is worth waiting for. Why shed tears of shame and despair?

Love him and stick through the bad patches together. He will appreciate your love, support and encouragement all the more if you do not pile on the guilt and expectations. Know your mind and heart so that you do not feel the need to justify your love for this man.

taken from the sunday star may 21st 06

i certainly dun wanna see myself jadik cm dia bukan ke?actually x sampai sehari tak cakap/sms j rasa seksa sgt..i guess org tengah gian camne lah kut rasanya they feel tak tenang cam apart of them hilang takleh function cam nak mati pun ade kut...siannn. i feel secara rumusannya DUN EVER DATED A SAGI. dah 2 org i kuar date..2_2 tak menjadi. a scorpio like me mmg takleh mix dgn Sagi...eeee bodonya dah 2 kali terkena..dah lah 2_2 org tu sama tarikh lahir plak tu. wont make the same mistake thrice lah weii..i dun belive in horoscope actually tapi kadang2 baca tuk cari guidance..mysteriously betul sumtimes tau dorang nye prediction...like semalam nye horos. from yahoo:

Quickie:
Stop the chase. It's time to turn the tables -- you deserve to be the one pursued.

Daily Extended Forecast for May 30, 2006
A flirtatious game you've been playing will suddenly come to a stop today -- is this the end? Hardly! More likely, they are reorganizing their ideas and revising their approach -- get ready, because the tables will be turned. You've never been in this position before, and it may feel uncomfortable. If you don't like it at first, just give it time -- explore this new dimension and you may learn to love it! This is going to be an educational (and exciting) experience

coincidence ke ape? whoaaaa..

update: 3.32 6/31 loser

beginning of da end

2006-05-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

Dear Life,

Butterfly

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears
inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I have learned that beauty
Has to flourish in the light
Wild horses run unbridled
Or their spirit dies
You have given me the courage
To be all that I can
And I truly feel your heart will
Lead you back to me when you're
Ready to land

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

I can't pretend these tears
Aren't over flowing steadily
I can't prevent this hurt from
Almost overtaking me
But I will stand and say goodbye
For you'll never be mine
Until you know the way
it feels to fly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly

Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandoned into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
So flutter through the sky
BUTTERFLY

~Mariah Carey~

update: im planning to do sumtin BIG ths coming July...well merancang saja n if all goes well my life akan b totally lain. its kool to b single actually i mean u dun have to answer to anybody. ive got kool parents thy dun care i nak buat ape with my life keje kat mana pun..lagi jauh lagi my mum sukaaaa..bleyyyy tak??mayb dia nak aku berdikari bukan nya aku tak biasa berdikari masa kat Uni. dulu keje part time duk umah sewa lahh..tak balik berbulan..but dats biasa bagi seorang undergrad.
sumtimes when u plan sumthin gila2 pun last2 tak menjadi ie: dlm r.ship promise sehidup semati plan sampai wut kind of wedding we want/nama bakal children etc. i mean dats sweet..hope is good..tapi last2 takde maknanya. banyak benda yg i plan, executed tapi last2 tak menjadi sgt la..tak long term from kerjaya to edu. to even luv life. tapi ths time around the change of a career is a must! i have 2 options:

1) pindah keje outstation tempat yg a bit terceruk..kawan i kenal pun sorang. yea cara hidup lebih simple no worries keje pun tak stress..tapi takde kehidupan bukan ke?nak buat ape je?takkan lepak umah lepas keje tgk tv. takkan nak lepak beach hari2?nnt lelama i akan bela kucing buat teman pastu jadik andalusia bleh??setakat nak cari jodoh kat tmpt keje baru..alamakk ape klassss anak tak berkembang (haha lawak)

2) sambung blaja ke bidang yg i minat...but too afraid to venture in. peluang kerjaya cerah, bleh travel around the world if i want to! (and of coz if im really good at it), work environment pun cam bes, tenang. n the best part is u make ppl feel happy bout thmselves..and its a good ice breaker juga..ppl mesti seronok nak tau pesal kerjaya i..haha..my skill ni bleh dipraktikkan kemana2 pun..i bleh bukak bizness sendiri juga..its sumthin new in malaysia but its a booming bizness overseas...

i dun think i wanna leave KL..i was born bred and mayb die here juga...KL is really a special place a land of abundant opportunities..if i wanna leave KL i might as well pindah jauh sesangat, luar negara bukan ke?mayb J was rite..ill thank him sumday ..yea mayb hmmm..and mama?yeaa yeaa i akan kuar dari umah soonn..ull c

Crossroad

2006-05-29T23:31:00.000-07:00

dear life,

im at a crossroad. whr do i go frm here?its so hard to even start on anything. START saja. bergerak one step ahead.sangat takut of the future.not dat i knw wuts in store for me.good or bad, i gotta harungi juga...so wut am i so afraid of??sigh

last weekend i lied to everybody including my mom:(. actually i went to c THE BF.he merayu nak jumpa i and we end up doing more than juz "berjumpa". but dats another story (and dont think anything notty) its x like dat really.well sort of. anyway, he wants me not as a gf, not sumbody he sees bein with for a long time. he wants me not as a fren jugak. so between dat le, with benefits of course. tapi benefit lebih kepada sapa yg untung?? entahlah. mine is more towards.."ill b thr when u need me basis" emotionally support wise and him..carnally wise. bley gitu?

sigh...so wut else is new??i c it comin' actually..so i gave him an ULTIMATUM

U WANT ME?THEN TAKDE DISKAUN2..LETS GO ALL DA WAY.COME WUT MAY.LETS JUZ GO FOR IT. U AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD!SAYA AKAN SACRIFICE EVERYTHING FOR LOVE.

hahahaha..sounds ridiculous eyyyy no no not really it sounds like SUICIDE!i mean its impossible!oil and water cannot mix weiiiiii..hailaaaaaaa..perlu ke membakar diri untuk cinta???lebih2 lagi cinta itu tak pasti.kalau hanya bertepuk sebelah tangan camne?the bf macam dah berubah hati. he s making a lot of xcuses..i knw in my heart he is confuse but u do LUV ME RITE???so i tot salah seorang kena mengalah untuk make our RELATIONSHIP WORKS?! so i mengalah bf. wut more do u want?i dah letak diri i kat tangga terbwah sangat taraf PARIAH mungkin (mayb over exaggerate skit)..ape lagiii bf..ape lagiii..

tiba teringat lagu "berhenti berharap" dari SO7

perempuan kalau bercinta tak ingat apekan?sanggup buang mak bapak, sedara, kawan, kerjaya HARGA DIRI, WHOLE LIFE dia AGAMA sumanya untuk CINTA..perlu ka??in the end??ape kita akan dapat?happiness ke?kalau tak hepi ok ke?bukan ke kita nak pursue happiness dats why kita tinggalkan sumanya..for HIM?

bley tak??skang ni halatuju my life ditentukan oleh one sms yg dia janji akan bagi ths petang. juz dat one stupid sms. a YES OR NO answer.no explanation needed.takleh dirunding dah.memang JAWAPAN MUKTAMAD. i takleh move on nor bergerak lansung.stagnant kat sini juz menunggu dat sms! sounds GILA but dats wut im doin rite now..posting kat blog. brain dead skang.perempuan bijak cam aku neh dikalahkan oleh seorang laki.juz one man. but i feel dat he is THE WORLD to me.

how can dat b yzzi?
y do u let him..do this to u??
i dun knw really, it juz happen...

banyak nye jalan..mana nak pi ni?but wut i do knwnow is i need dat answer from u bf. then ill chart my course....

"life is like a box full of choco. ull nvr knw wut ull get"
sumbody reminded me dat..yea good or bad u kena harungi jugak. dont dat makes life MORE FUN/INTERESTING ?hmmm....

i promise ill move on if the answer is a BLUNT NO. i promise...ill make plans for us. good plans..God willing. after all org yg paling u bleh harapkan HANYALAH UR OWN SELF

update: its 5.30pm on 30.5.06. i cant tunggu his sms. so i subtly force him to tell me. AND HE SAID HIS DECISION STAND.he doesnt want me anymore. bley tak dia kata " so u selamba ja..ok je..so u wont call me nomore? u dun understand ull thank me in few years time" well J u degil dgn pendirian u sgt2 sure ur doin the rite thing so be it!i jugak sama cam u stand tru dgn pendirian i..heart broken mmg heart broken..sedih mmg sedih, but sumhow i knew he wud say no and in a way im glad its all over. macam gantung tak bertali rasa.takde status di hati dia.cakap cinta tapi perbuatan tak menunjukkan cinta. God knows how hard i nak pertahankan my relationship. i wont give up witout a fight..and i lose to ..????he s not into me dat much

im letting you go my beautiful butterfly
spread ur wings and prepare to fly coz u have become a butterfly
shud u return to me then ill knw we r meant to be

I LUV U SYG..I REALLY DO

but dats life..move on..
....and the journey continuessss...

:( YZZI YG BODO-OPEN LETTER TO MY BF

2006-05-11T02:15:00.000-07:00

i tau u banyak masalah J..sibuk ke sini ke sana..u tau tak dari hari ni i tahan je ngadu kat org sbb think my problem bleh tanggung. i ade more than 5 masalah dlm masa satu hari ni . n u knw wut????priority i pada surat u jaaa jie HANYA SURAT U TAU TAK?i tau i yg offer nak tolong. i tauuuu tu tapi macam mana sibuk pun i PENTINGKAN SURAT U JUGAK TAU TAK?berbanding benda lain besar tau benda lain nak tau ape?well some of it jaaaa juz sum of it is my dokumen tuk confirmation sebagai staff HILANG after i waited 3 fucking years. trus hilang ..i kena buat baru tapi mayb i tak akan confirm ths year. no kenaikan pangkat no naik gaji ths year. ok tapi i sabar lagi. then L nye application tuk keje kat X deadline hari ni.mum harapkan i habiskan isi borang dia dengan hampir 5 soalan berbentuk karangan nak kena jawab. ok i tahan lagi. then kertas keje ke cherating dorang nak i siapkan today!suma org lepas tangan.program yg penting tapi kat bahu i.so i batalkan meeting sepatutnya..oklah malas nak crita

u dun wan to listen u shud pujuk me J..ni dah dua kali kena
i takbleh harapkan u sebagai bf pun
u ingat i suka crita2 hal2 i kat org lain
bf is SUAMI to ME
espcially mmg kita dua asyik call ourselves FUCKING SUAMI BINI
kalau i kawin ngan u ..perangai u camni jugak ke??
sama ke??dah kawin besok (kalau dapat kawin kan) macam ni ka???dah kawin i kena cari X or Y/ sapa2 lagi tuk ngadu or lepaskan fikiran i yg kusut ni ke????tolonggglahhhh be a man!MY MAN FOR ONCE
im a girl I NEED YOUR MORAL SUPPORT ..seorang pendengarrr
susah ke??mmg i kata i taknak..tapi u kena pujuk i balik
im asking myself banyak kali WHY CANT MY BF B LIKE MY EX BF???do u think i like dat????beza2kan u ??i dun k??but i cant help myselffff DEAR GOD I REALLY WANT SUMBODY A TRU MANNNN WHY CANT U GIV ME????IM BEGGIING U DEAR GOD..i hate my life. i hate my self.im not fit to b anybody at all.i cant handle it J..i canttttt..i juz canttttt

KESIMPULANNYA: IM NOT FIT TO B ANYBODY.YZZI YG BODO:(

etc etc

2006-05-09T02:13:00.000-07:00

dear life,

achelly horrrr my bf horr talak suka wa celita2 hal2 rumahtangga kami worrrr...dia kata horrr buat apa lu mau celita suma2 kat olang??tak baikkkk lorrrrrr

tapi bf skali ni jer...sbb i geram kat u..ikan S (muahaha...setengah org je tau ape maksud S itu)

alkisahnya...akan ku sapu dgn kunyit then letak garam secukup rasa eh ehh sebelum tu lumur ngn ayak asam jawa/air beras bagi dia wangiii. then goreng minyak panas api neraka..then dh masak bagi Garfiled makan pastu tulang dia tanam cam dlm bawang putih bawang merah. bina buaiannnnn atas dia ..berbuaii lah dlm kehangatan cinta...tra la la la la

sayanggg bucuk bf i ni tauuu...muahaha..jgn jeles..bagi can la wa mau hepi beb. im glad its all over b. lawak betul sejak kebelakangan ni..hampir suma org aku panggil "b" tengok2??nama u slalu i sebut tau..bukan nama Tuhan..mmg tak guna aku neh

moral of th story mory???PLZ k?PLZ la...tolonggg laa

PUJUK GF KALAU DIA NGAJUK/LEPAS GADUH..tak kisah sapa salahhh..(sudah semestinya bf yg salah huhuu)..TAPI PUJUK k??trust me guysss...pulangan yg u dpt dgn mengalah dulu adalah PRICELESS

Tajuk: Tupai-tupai

ala...bukan hebat sgt ke restoran ni tapi cam ala2 almost everywhr i go..adeje yg cam ala2 ske sgt mengagung2kan restoran tupai2 ni.dpt lah borak ngn owner dia (tak ingat nama) da owner a malay is the Head chef so it seems. tapi yg i tak brapa minat pintu masuk restoran tu ada seekor tupai dlm sangkar ala maskot gitu..sian gak tupai tu..dorang mana biasa dok sangkar. then ade satu seating ja u bleh duduk bersila cam kelakar kan satu ja. but i luv the ambiance so romantik!then ade satu kawasan kan depan pintu masuk call "miang2 keladi corner" camtu lah (pls correct me if im wrong) do u knw they can tempatkan 100 jemaah kat surau sebelah restoran tu..

jalan nak masuk restoran tu kena tawaf hampir 360 jalan spiral gitu terceruk atas bukit.anyways masa nak gi sana sesat lah plak..L bawak keta n kami tumpangkan sorang kakak ni.hahaha kelakar le dia minah cuak. shes married with 3 kids and keje hebattt IT analyst gitu.so dgn konfidennya kami tailgate keta one of our coll.

keta mercedes hitam vs kancil silver dlm kepekatan malam di atas jalan raya KL yg tak pernah tak sesak

so hailaaa..ingat driver merc. tu tau kami membontoti dia ..tailgate le tu. rupanya tak tauu ni satu kes blur sotong.camne tak tau?kan kami dah pesan "kakak kami tunggu u tau nak ke sana" bukan ke tu dah clean n clear ckp "kami tak tau ke sana" so hellooooooooo..

anyway jalan punya jalan kumain laju merc. tu meluncur dlm hujan dah le malam..aku dah cuak si L tanya tengok merc. tu pi mana belok ka..line tengah ka apa ka..aku pun konfiden lahh fokus gila kat merc tu skali tetiba banyak plak merc hitam atau keta cam merc. kat depan..so erm huh..dah berpeluh dahh..sesat lah plak kat area LRT sogo-Bank negara tu. kakak yg IT analyst (IT) tu kepoh gak...kat blakangg.. "masuk lane sini..belok sini..tu ahahh aku nampak pi straight ja". then keta merc. dah hilang kat area Masjid negara. aku n L nye fon kredit takde. Kak IT fon batery kong tapi ada top RM10. Achelly kak IT tak tau kami tak pernah jalan pi area tu malam camni. dia ingat kami Pro. lah. 1st time siaaaa.so L dah cuak tanya aku "kat mana neh" straight ka turun bawah ke KTM tu? drp bising2 kak IT kat blakang keta. tetiba senyap (masa tu tak prasan dia senyap) L n i dah cuak kan..So aku dgn hebatnya take charge!hahah

"kakak IT bak kredit!nah amik syiling gores n bacakan nom. top up!L u lalu bawah ke KTM"
then cepat2 call merc. dia pun ckp "bukan2 kena naik atas lepas lalu masjid negara..laaaaa tak tau jalan rupanya" sabar je aku minah ni...bawak skit punya shcumacher (betul ke eja?). then patah balik lalu dayabumi traffic lite kat depan dataran merdeka. kan takleh U -turn ke Dayabumi kan..so i n L bebel2 n gaduh skit coz i taknak dia buat U turn dia tak kisah..tak kisah konon lesen P nak buat hal...kete..kete aku..nama akuu..banyak lahhh (kak IT masih senyap tau kat blakang) then we all lalu blakang mahkamah pusing balik..anyways mulut dua ekor ni masih bising lahhh..gaduh2 tak puas hatiii..menyalahkan each other (tapi biasa ja..mmg kami mulut over skit) ok sampai lah ke Tupai2 merc. waited for us kat stesen BP dekat DBP tu. masa tu jam skit depan DBP so adelah ala2 mcm nak terlanggar ngn keta lain..tapi biasalahhh kan

hahahaha..ok yg best bila dah sampai kat restoran dah duduk nie..nak siap makan nih..ade lah kurang 10mins. kak IT senyap ja..kami tak perasan rupanya dia TRAUMA naik keta ngn kami. Mulut dia punyalah ternganga mata terbeliak..suma org dah nak start bukak mulut makan..dia cam zombie ternganga kat situ . betul nih. then org duduk sebelah dia cam shook her "kakak IT u ok? why pucat?kenapa tak makan" then i n L pandang dia mmg PUCAT muka dia pakat gelak lahhh...di sebalik tisuu..kami kutuk2 dia baru skit dah cuakk..elehhh huhuuu jahatnya kami

Tajuk: JAM HEBAT
anyways..i dpt token jam dari Ikea...comel bangat..mmg aku jakun kut, tapi x pernah dpt jam hebat cam ni...hebat camne??...sila rujuk gambar di bawah

to b continued

:-)

2006-05-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

dear Life,

I LUV MY BF!!...enuf said. harap berpanjangan sampai ke akhir hayat....

ahhhh besnye bila diri ini menjadi permaisuri di hati seorang lelaki. i have to think +ve. wut comes my way, i shud take it sebagai ujian Tuhan.Usaha. Tawakal.

chin up, look forward n walk with pride!

i am certainly worth it!

its really funny ..smlm punya problems yg hailaaa amat la menyeksakan seems so unimportant and so small tday..itu yg penting HARI INI LEBIH BAIK DARI SEMALAM

ps/ to my frenS yg berduka/mendukakan, u knw who u r..b strong k...theres MORE to LIFE than wut ur bein thru rite now

:-(

2006-05-03T03:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Life,

emotional roller coaster le...kejap relationship kami baik then tak baik..pastu reda balik then gaduh balik.
im really moody this evening sum bapak budak harassed my staff by calling us nak expediate what he wants. dah lah semalam datang opis all da way from JB semata2 nak layan karenah anak biatch dia.things we can settle cepat dan simple but he makes it WORST.

remember we are ONE -WHOLE-UNITE -NOBODY CAN SPOIL OUR DAY--->>kata2 Madam.

nangis dalam hati skang. so i trus called S nak mengadu and yeah masa tu hati masih panas so "ter" marah dia skali. I ngaku its a habit of mine. once marah org suma org dekat i kena skali. he layaned me and blabbered sumthing to cool me down. then tetibe dia bukak crita lain.tak tau ke dia isu i blum habis. i cant juz let it go dgn cepat...but come onnn..dats wut guys r for!bfren for that matter..u turn to them when u ade problem spy dia tenangkan balik jiwa kita kan?K macam tu dulu..aku marah2 psl org lain buat hal..dia marah skali ngan aku.dia slalu kata i lemah tak pandai nak gaduh ngan org.dun like dat biatch/bstrd get away...n i trus bleh cool down.seingat aku.

sumbody said to me tday. its better we start off a relationship as friends rather than lovers trus. coz we will not fully understand who is our significant other really is.guess its tru.S told me he still doesnt knw me dat well.of all the things in the world rite now. I need a bf who can be a real fren.....

TAK BOLEH.CANNOT.ITS IMPOSSIBLE...skang ni or forever camtu kut

He told me he dun knw wut to do or say when i confide in him...or cam marah2 ngadu kat dia. defensive le u ni S. im not mad at u ..i want u to listen n bagi cadangan yg BERNAS then lavish me with sayang, hugs and kisses!

for the time bein, S i taknak ckp ngn u ..walaupun nak baca ur sms .nak u pujuk i.yeahhh nak u pujuk i ..tu jaaaaa...:(

taknak ungkit. n yea i marah2 kat u tak puas hati kat u ..but i sayang kat u ..hati ni dh sayangg...n mayb no turning back:(

anyway,

oklah nak pi Tupai-Tupai ade function ngn lina kitaowng gamble pi sana ikut bas yg shuttle the students

ps/ Daria???hmmm...i dun hv much to say but LET IT B..i knw its hard (aku pun susah nak let certain things b) but u gotta do dat..

tak kuatnya

2006-04-15T03:01:00.000-07:00

update:

dear life,

yaaa tuhannn..kuatkan lah semangat ku ini. he juz called me. i told him wut i did. "keep it up" he said.when communications of any sorts STOPS.everything STOPS

thrs no turning back
im moving forward
plz giv me strength

wuts the use?why bother?i dun need it!i dun wan any drama!i wont take it!i wanna b free!

takut.sgt takut.plz let it b over cepat

the end or is it?

2006-04-15T01:11:00.000-07:00

its over...plz God let it all b over

we have been thro a lot, havent we?
u and the "others"

dear life,
its THE END...

rasa cam2 je
i need this space as a "healing platform" for me juz to tell. juz to tell u how i feel inside. so muc things to tell n yet no one to listen.to really listen. n understand. mmg heartbroken. walau tak sehebat X. but this guy is sumthin.truly.

he s consistent.he wants me more.he needs me more.we cried.we laugh.its simple really.but mayb im the one making it so complicated.havent i gave enuff?sum things mayb tak.but i make it up.bukan ke?i want my old self back.x kisah.ade hepi.ade x.but dats me.i havent moved 4ward.i tot relationships makes u better.whole.makes u dream more.strive more.happier.learning and living ur life.but i guess dats not the case. mana silap.aku silap?kalau begitu...

aku bukan dicipta untk memberi cinta.takmo lagi mencari cinta.takmo lagi.adeke cinta?is thr suc thing as cinta?all crap!been thr done that.manis hanya sekejap.terlalu kejap.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
" In a club.im drunk.juz spend rm300 on booze.u MAKE me"

its alwiz been my fault.from day 1

im givin up on u J
im givin up on u YZZI

at the back of my mind.i wan it to work.or do i?i dun knw wut i want.really.tak dpt lagi jawapan tu.camne nak cari jawapan?whr to start?

questions upon questions.no answer yg pasti.

?????

as for now.juz let me b.yeah.u hear me.LET ME B